The Haj

Lately I seem to be helping a lot of old men go to the bathroom.

It's unintentional, but apparently I seem to give off the "I understand 21st century toilet and hand washing technology" vibe.

I've started to think of myself as some kind of Mecca for men 75 and over.

The first time a man made pilgrimage to me, I was surprised, but still did my utmost to help him.

"Here, place your hands here, and then the water comes out"
"Thank You"

But then more came...

"Here, and when you walk away from the urinal, the toilet flushes on it's own."
"Thank You"

And still more...

"Here, and when you put your hands near this, air comes out and dries them. You're going to have to rub them together a little too...yup, just like that."
"I miss paper towels"
"...you're welcome"

Now when I have to pee, there are no surprises;
I have accepted my role as the bathroom guru.
I help men on their journey,
and if you'll excuse me,

there are toilets that need flushing...

Thank God

My train was stuck, but thank god there was a passenger on-board who could tell everyone it would take three hours before we got moving.

Thank God it only took an hour.
Thank God he was sitting so close to me, otherwise I might not have been so lucky as to hear him spout off "fact" after "fact."

Thank God I had a book to read.

The Police

I was walking down the street when I passed a cop car with two female officers sitting inside...and I thought "that's cute."
Then I wondered what would happen if there was a real emergency?

Was the man-cop sleeping in the backseat?

Back of a Head

I used to think you could tell a lot about a person by the back of their head.
Whether or not they're fat, or hot, or tall, or skinny, or ugly, or in a wheelchair.
But then there was today.
And today, everything changed.

I was sitting on the train enjoying my evening commute when I saw a back of a head a few rows up that was beautiful.
This girl had a really sexy back of a head.
Shiny brown hair, and a little knot tied.
The back of a head of a skinny girl.
I was blinded by its sheer beauty.
And then she stood up.
And she was fat.
And my heart sank; I was shocked.
How could someone like that have such a pretty back of a head?

And then I realized...conditioner.

Slavery

I want to know when the word "slave" was changed to "intern" in the English language.
I just find the whole situation a little ridiculous.
I work for peanuts.
Literally.
My boss keeps a bowl of peanuts by her desk,
and everyday I take a few more.

Procrastination

I tell everyone that I'm applying for a job, but all I do is sit at my computer and look things up on the web.
I have a little more than a week.

I need to get my shit together.
How did that become a phrase?

I'll check out wikipedia.

The Shawshank Redemption

It was the same night as the first guy circle.
We came back from our night of debauchery, yet none of us were tired.
We put on the television, but because it was so late the only thing on was HBO.
And the Shawshank Redemption was playing.
We started watching at 3 am, and stayed up through the entire movie.
We were exhausted, and even though we had seen it before nothing could take our eyes off that film.

Which brings me to my next point: The Shawshank Redemption just might be the best movie ever made.

I mean, the jail, the warden, the money, the murder, the boat, Morgan Freeman?

Not a dry eye in the room.

Guy Circles

Lately I love dancing.
I used to hate going to clubs and being forced to stand around awkwardly.
Some friends would go off and dance, but others would stick by me.
We would walk around, hunting for our prey. Someone to talk to, Anyone to keep us off the dance floor. And finding that special someone...well, that would be magic.

"Hey Lauren, how are you?..." "nope, haven't seen him..." "I know, it sure is loud by all the music" "Should I shout?" "Was that a yes?" "It's just so loud; do you want to go outside?" "oh, you want to keep on dancing?"
"no, sure...it's cool..." "I'm just going to hang around over here" "...cunt"

When I look back at my club memories, for the most part all I remember is dread.

But then something changed.
Allow me to introduce Guy circles.
They began in Myrtle Beach South Carolina, in the heart of our nation, close to a strange abundance of Shooting Range/Civil War Museums.

Instead of pretending to have a good time as we looked for girls, we stopped looking for girls and started having a good time.
Five guys; with our own circle and everybody wanted in.

Girls no longer mattered, fun mattered.
Don't get me wrong we danced with girls, and some of us even danced with 60 year olds (it wasn't the norm, but the truth is the truth).

But it was because we were a group of fun guys hanging out that we had a great time dancing.
We weren't girls, yet plenty of guys came over to join our circle...which was creepy...very creepy.

It was in South Carolina where I realized that as long as you have the right mindset, you can make anything fun.

...And also, you have to be drunk.

...Like I'm talking crunked out of your mind shitfaced.

updates

Okay,

I know it's been a while since the last time I wrote anything, but I've been busy, and I use that term loosely. Really loosely.

Also, What , 4 people read this...the complaints haven't exactly been deafening.

Regardless, I now present...UPDATES!

God Gets Even

I stayed with a friend that idealizes me.
She thinks of me as a hard drinker, and a fun one.
While hanging out with her and her friends however, I threw up, and as far as she was concerned that broke the myth.

For some reason she didn't understand that Acid Reflux disease is a violent killer. And when it strikes, it strikes embarrassingly hard and with no warning.

For the rest of the night all I heard was "I can't believe you threw up."
I heard it at the party.
I heard it on the walk home.
I heard it in her room.

I left to go to the bathroom.
After finishing, I reentered her room only to find her hunched over the garbage.

The first thought that came to mind was "At least she made it to the garbage," which was something I had been unable to do earlier in the night.

Her trash can was made of mesh... which in effect made her attempt at containment disgustingly pointless. Vomit was everywhere.
I offered to help.

In between her body's nonstop purge of foods and liquids she apologized.

"I'm sorry I..."
"Blagvomits..."
"...made fun of you"
"Hujfdjunkts..."
"...for throwing up"
"Sruupdsh..."
"before."

It was a sad sight; important nonetheless...
She had to understand that making fun of cripples is never acceptable behavior.

God was getting even.

Acid Reflux is a disease, and you can't taunt someone with a disease...
That's like making fun of cancer...or aids...or a tiny hand.

?

I graduated from college a week ago.
But what does that even mean?
I still haven't gotten my diploma, and I'm waiting for my last grade in a class I took pass/fail.
There's a lot of pressure on me now to find a real job, but in all honesty, I just want to go back to camp for the summer.

I'm going to be so much older than everyone else that works there. I guess it's good that I look 16.
I might just lie and say I am

Knowledge is Power

I just got back from a trip to Toronto, and boy did I learn an interesting Canadian fact:

In Canada Mothers Day is like thanksgiving. The whole country shuts down, and everybody gets together with their family. The mail even stops.

So while Canadians may speak the same language as us, the cultural differences are much too severe for any lasting partnerships between the two nations to take hold.
Mothers day seems to make that abundantly clear.

As a concerned citizen all I can do is pray for peace, and hope that the extremists don't win on any side. Amen.

The Earthquake

I'm in the library typing a paper, and every few minutes I feel the earth tremble.
I worry that I might be in the midst of an earthquake, so I take a look at my surroundings.
Everyone seems to be sitting at their computers except for the fat guy walking. Yup, he's a giant, and he's making the building shake.

This is awful...

Normally I wouldn't feel bad, but in this situation I do. Because as distracting as he is, at least he's getting his work-out for the day.

My Science Fiction Story

In the year 2020 HBO began its consolidation of the United States Government. The home front for the War on Terror had become the entire continent of North America, and the president at the time Walter Russenger was killed when a terrorist ambush attacked his convoy outside of Georgia. The Vice President Lindsay Shehan as well as the Speaker of the House Martin Renold were killed later that day. The nation was not only in mourning but also without any true leadership. Panic and fear were in the air; Americans were sure that life as they knew it would be doomed.
HBO, which had been receiving critical praise since its creation in the year 1965 had already begun the difficult steps of branching out in 2015. HBO had set up homeless shelters and parks, and bought open land for conservation efforts. In 2017 HBO began giving unemployment benefits to those with families who were unable to find work in the dismal economy. Everything HBO did seemed to bring about more and more praise. Even conservative commentator Ann Coulter could not bring herself to criticize HBO’s selfless acts.
In 2019 Congress voted for HBO to be transformed into a bureaucracy, and President Russenger was more than happy to sign the legislation. The company which had been providing so much for the United States, was finally an established form of government. America was overjoyed.
March 17th however, was known as the day of death. Over one million people were murdered along with the President, Vice President and the Speaker. No one knew what to do. The nation was paralyzed, and it was hard to find anyone willing to leave their homes. Luckily HBO was there, and she stood up to mobilize the country. While the elected government may have been unable to function HBO was, and as a result took control of the Executive Branch, as well as the armed forces.
The army, now under HBO issued martial law, and curfews were imposed upon the nation. Two hundred eighty thousand Americans were killed in the following months, and while those times were tough, life was able to return to a semblance of normalcy. Suicide bombings still rocked our restaurants and Walmarts, but the army’s response to those attacks made sure that terrorists would think twice.
HBO issued governmental orders that terrorist’s families would be tortured for upwards of thirty years. The bombings continued on, but by 2028 they were almost a thing of the past.
The American people no longer needed elections, as HBO was there to take care of her people. In 2030 a new constitution was written ensuring HBO’s continued role in the United States Government. Americans were now free to go about their lives without worrying about politics or murderous attacks. The World was finally at peace.

Ants

There are ants in my apartment.
Big ones and little ones.
The little ones like hanging out in the bathroom, and the big ones enjoy spending time in the kitchen.
I don't discriminate, I kill both.
The other day I opened my cabinet and found an ant crawling around. I took out a tissue and crushed it. Afterwards I moved around a few items to make sure there weren't more lurking around. But there were. Around 30 ants were hanging out-chilling, and once they realized I was there they scurried off and hid among various boxes and cans.
I was disgusted, but still went about the arduous task of murder.

Ant after ant was smushed with my tissue of death. It took about twenty minutes to accomplish.

I wanted to feel relief from my hard work, but the ants kept coming back.

...I think that I might need to take out the garbage, or maybe do the dishes.

Smash Brothers

My brother and I are addicted to a video game.
We play the game to decide everything.
Who makes breakfast.
Who's driving to school.
Who's mopping the floor.
Who's cleaning the table.
Who's scrubbing the toilet.
Who's buying dinner.

Sometimes I lose...big, in fact, often I lose big.

There was a point in time when I owed three dinners, 5 dishes, cookies, ice cream, 4 days of laundry, mopping the floor, vacuuming, and more.

Recently though I've been winning a lot, and it's affect on my brother has been nothing short of demoralizing.
When he loses he cries, throws objects and gets violent.

When I lose, I do the same

...in fact, I also kick shins.

Arin and Julia are married.
They probably now share a last name.
They'll probably have kids.
Wow.

Single Elimination Tournament

My intramural soccer team made it to the finals.
This was especially exciting because we had only beaten one team.
We beat them 8-3. Following that first game I dreamt that our match was continued, and in it we just kept on scoring point after point.

Outside of my dream world our team felt pretty good about ourselves, we thought we were bad-ass and awesome. We thought about making jerseys, or socks, or sweatpants, or headbands, or bracelets, or armbands, or sweatshirts, or sweatbands...just to let everyone else know how hardcore we were.
Then we played our second game, and our third...

It wasn't that we played poorly, we just all came to the mutual decision that accessories were no longer necessary.

The Class

Yesterday I gave a presentation to my class.
I was worried before I gave it, and I was worried while I gave it.
I just wasn't sure that it made sense.
Even as I read it in front of everyone I couldn't help but wonder if what I was saying was retarded.
When I finished my teacher said it was excellent.
When class let out a girl came up to me and told me she thought it was really great as well.

In the end I don't think I should have worried that much, because when it comes down to it, I guess everybody loves pirate reports.


*in case you were wondering the girl was very unattractive and had one of those bull nose rings.

The Library

Due to the ever growing number of students that realize how fucked they are, more and more people make their way to the library every day. By the time that I walk in, all the computers are taken, and everyone without a computer begins to hover over those more fortunate.

Upon the realization that there is not one computer readily available, students turn into vultures, and start to circle over their prey, waiting for them to die, (or possibly get up) so that their oh-so-valuable computer can be taken.

I myself look for small weaknesses. Just a slight bit of movement at the computer desk and I run over. "Excuse me, were you getting off?"
"No, I needed to get my cold sore medication out from my bag."
"Oh, well, I'm sorry...get better?"

But sometimes it's works.

There are moments also when the vultures fight over their food.
"Uh, I think I was here first."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure I was, I mean, I even put my coffee cup down."
"Ugh, this is such bullshit...I need to get a coffee cup!"

One would think that with all the hardships that come from the library, students might be more inclined to work in their rooms, at their own desks, with their own computers.

One would think...

Going with it

I was in a bar last night when I ran into two friends.
One had two girls all over him, and the other was without any.
I asked the girl-less friend what was going on, why was he alone?

He told me that I just didn't understand the situation. One of these girls was with him.
But that was bullshit.

He needed to prove it to me. He asked if I wanted to see something I would never forget. And all I could say was "of course."

He tapped one girl on the shoulder and she turned around to face him. And as she did that, he leaned in for a kiss. Sadly, she realized what he was trying to do, and quickly turned her head away. All he got was cheek.

I told him afterwards he was right. That was something I'd always remember.

Cheating

I cheated on my running partner today.
She was away for the weekend and the opportunity just came up.
"Hey Mike, do you want to go running?" It felt risque'...wrong, but right all at once.
I thought it over, ignored my conscience, and ended up going...

At first I thought I'd tell my running partner to make her jealous, but the more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt

How would I react if she went running with some other guy?
I would be angry. Distraught.
...I thought we had something special.

So maybe, just this once, I'd keep it to myself.

Breaking up is hard to do

I'm in the library right now, and a couple is breaking up right next to me. It's awkward yet interesting at the same time. I haven't been able to follow the conversation completely, but I'm pretty sure a large part of the argument had to do with skittles.